


Relative Resolutions

by Cinaed



Series: The Best of Carolina The Teenage Witch [37]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sabrina the Teenage Witch Fusion, Family Bonding, M/M, Magic, New Year's Resolutions, Unexpected Visitors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinaed/pseuds/Cinaed
Summary: To start a new season, the cast of Carolina the Teenage Witch celebrate a new year with friends and family.
Relationships: Agent Carolina & AI Program Epsilon | Leonard Church, Agent Carolina & The Director | Dr. Leonard Church, Dexter Grif & Kaikaina Grif | Sister, Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons, The Director | Dr. Leonard Church & AI Program Epsilon | Leonard Church
Series: The Best of Carolina The Teenage Witch [37]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1183436
Comments: 16
Kudos: 54





	Relative Resolutions

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to season four! We've got a lot of exciting stuff planned, and I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Thanks as always to Aryashi to making this story and this AU so much fun.

Church has never been a fan of the color purple, but each time Grey throws her diagnostic spell at him, he likes the color a little less. The magic swirls around him, obscuring his view of the living room. He can hear Kimball and Carolina setting out the cheese platter and drinks for the New Years’ Eve celebration, though, and knows Leonard probably hasn’t moved from his position on the loveseat.

He rolls his eyes, fiddling with a piece of a puzzle Caboose got him for Hanukkah. “Are we seriously going to do this every week? I’ve had a clean bill of health the last six scans.”

Grey doesn’t look away from the spell, but there’s a ruthless cheerfulness to her voice as she chirps, “And you probably will for the next six. We’ll keep doing this until Leonard and I are satisfied that there’s no chance of the spell degrading again.”

Church groans.

“Indulge us for the time being,” Leonard says.

Church snorts, “And the time being means what? Another month?”

“Perhaps we’ll scale it back to once a month after a few more check-ups,” Grey says.

“Yay,” Church mumbles sarcastically. He blinks away purple spots as the magic vanishes, and then feels a little bad for complaining when he catches Carolina staring at Grey, her expression still tense like she thinks it’s going to somehow be bad news after a whole month of Church feeling fine.

Carolina only relaxes when Grey smiles and says, “Make that seven clean bills of health.”

Church abandons the puzzle in favor of grabbing cheese and crackers. “Could’ve told you that,” he says, but mostly under his breath. If it makes everyone feel better, he guesses he’ll deal with weekly check-ups. And maybe they’ll eventually stop jumping every time he yawns.

Kimball starts passing out drinks. “One nice thing about New Year’s is that the traditions for witches and mortals aren’t very different. Good food and company and everyone celebrating when the clock hits midnight.”

“A little different from Rosh Hashanah,” Carolina says, and then points a finger towards a space between the food platters. Blue magic sparks, and a platter of challah and honey appears. She smiles at Church and then at Leonard, who can’t see her but still straightens a little when she adds, “But family and food are good.”

“Just gonna pretend Kimball didn’t mention midnight, huh,” Church says, grinning. “Still embarrassed that you fell asleep last year at like ten o’clock?”

Carolina narrows her eyes. “I’m not embarrassed.”

“Uh huh,” Church says.

Her eyes narrow a little more. He can pretty much see a competitive spark ignite in them. And hey, this time it’s something he might actually win at. He’s a master of staying up until 2 AM playing video games with Caboose and Tucker.

Carolina says, “I can stay up til midnight if I want to.”

Church knows he shouldn’t needle her too much, but he can’t help it. “Really? Cause I thought Niner said the last time you slept over--”

“I’ll buy you a meal at the Slicery if I fall asleep.”

“Deal,” Church says quickly, before she can think to throw in a penalty for him if she stays awake.

Kimball looks amused. “Starting the new year placing bets?”

“Hey, that was all Carolina,” Church says, gesturing at her with a smirk.

Before Carolina can try to defend herself, Leonard clears his throat. “While we’re speaking of money, I had a discussion with Emily and Vanessa the other day about your allowance, Church.”

Church glances at Kimball and Grey, who give him identical looks that say he’s busted. He resists the urge to grimace. Well, it had been nice getting two allowances while it lasted. He slouches a little lower on the couch, cramming another cheese cracker into his mouth and mumbling, “Oh. Great.”

“Beginning this week, I shall be handling your and Carolina’s allowances.”

Church almost chokes on his cracker. “Huh?”

“Beginning this week--”

“No, I got that,” Church says. He squints at Leonard, trying to get a read on him. The last month has been weird, and even calling it weird is an understatement. It’s one thing to have a big emotional moment and call each other family when you think you’re dying, it’s another thing to figure out how to do the whole father-son thing.

At least Leonard also feels a little awkward too, because his fingers drum out a nervous beat against his knees while he says, “I would be a very poor father if I didn't give both children allowances, would I not?” It’s both a joke and not, a tentative smile flitting across his face before it’s gone.

Church glances at Carolina, who makes a face at him and nods towards Leonard like he should say something. Church coughs. “I mean, I’m not gonna turn it down. But uh… Thanks.” He fiddles with another cracker and then adds, “So can I get a retroactive allowance for the last year or…?”

Leonard just raises an eyebrow, but the corner of his mouth twitches.

“Taking that as a maybe.”

“Wait,” Carolina says, blinking. “I didn’t say what I’d get if I stayed up.”

Church grins at her. “Yeah, you did, didn’t you? Guess you just get the satisfaction of winning. You love that stuff.”

Carolina rolls her eyes, but she looks amused as she dips a slice of challah into honey.

“If you stay up til midnight, perhaps Leonard and Vanessa will look the other way and I can bring out a few witch fireworks,” Grey says. She giggles when both Leonard and Kimball look less than enthusiastic. “With a spell beforehand to avoid mortal attention, of course!”

“Of course,” Kimball says dryly.

Leonard still doesn’t look enthusiastic, but then again, he won’t really be able to see the fireworks. Maybe they can figure out some way where he can watch from the roof or something. Then again, maybe he just doesn’t care about fireworks.

Church grabs a slice of challah. “So we’ll watch the ball drop, then check out Grey’s fireworks.” He grins at Carolina. “Wanna place another bet? Whoever can stay up the latest--”

“Nope,” Carolina says.

“Worth a shot,” Church says, still grinning.

* * *

Carolina is wide awake at eight o’clock. By ten o’clock, with a full meal in her on top of the roasted honey and cinnamon peaches Kimball magicked up for dessert, her head is getting heavy. Her body’s used to going to bed by nine or ten and then getting up early to run. It doesn’t exactly understand the idea of vacation time.

When she startles herself out of a half-doze, she knows she needs to do something or Church is going to make her watch him eat every smug bite of his Slicery pizza.

She slips outside to the backyard. The night air is a slap to the face. She hasn’t checked the temperature, but it’s definitely below freezing. She embraces her stinging cheeks, the deep breaths that almost hurt her chest. It kind of reminds her of nights with both her parents, except that the clouds and town lights hide any stars.

“At least close the door behind you!” Church yells. “It’s freezing!”

Carolina tries to swallow down a laugh, but her breath still comes out in an amused puff of mist. If he can’t handle a little cold air in the heated living room, he’s going to be miserable the first time her mom drags him survival camping. She can’t wait. Just under ten months and then they’ll be together again, with one new family member.

Someone, probably Church, has magicked up two cakes while she was outside. One cake is chocolate and looks so sweet her teeth hurt to look at it.

The other one is a lemon cake, and Church waves a plate with a slice on it at her, grinning. “Maybe a sugar rush will keep you up longer.”

“Or the sugar rush will make me crash five minutes before midnight,” Carolina says.

Church shrugs.

“So what are everyone’s New Year Resolutions?” Grey asks, helping herself to a slice of both cakes.

Carolina’s dad raises an eyebrow, while Kimball snorts and says, “Not my thing.”

Grey makes a moue of disappointment at them. “Well, _mine_ is to wear a different nail polish every day this year.”

Church snorts. “I don’t think that many colors exist.”

“Maybe not in the Mortal Realm,” Grey says. She ignores Kimball’s “Try not to distract the doctors and nurses with weird colors.” Instead she tilts her head and looks at Church, curiosity gleaming in her eyes. “So, no resolution for you, James?”

Church takes another bite of his cake. “Eat more junk food,” he declares after he swallows.

“When you get acne, expect an I told you so,” Carolina says.

He just grins at her. “Oh yeah? And what’s your resolution?”

It’s her turn to shrug. She hasn’t really thought about it. Mostly she just wants to pass her witch license exam so she can see her mom.

“I’ve got an idea,” Church says, and waves the same plate of lemon cake at her. He’s smirking instead of grinning. “You could finally get a sweet tooth.”

Carolina laughs. “No thanks.”

Church turns and waves his hand, like he’s wafting the smell over to their dad. “How about you, Leonard? A thousand years late, but you can start enjoying sweets too.”

Their dad looks slightly amused. “I’m not adverse to the occasional dessert. But if developing a sweet tooth means consuming all those candy bars you and your friends are constantly eating, I shall pass on that particular resolution.”

Church heaves a big, fake sigh. “Surrounded by weirdos. Oh well, more dessert for me.” He takes a few more bites of his cake before he leans forward, looking at their dad. “So no resolutions, but you’ve gotta have plans for the year besides--” There’s a brief hesitation that maybe only Carolina catches before Church finishes with, “--the obvious.”

Their dad raises an eyebrow. For some reason, his voice is slightly dry when he says, “Richard expressed a desire for...independent magical study. I lent him a few books and will be advising him via magical correspondence, now that he has a proper toaster installed in his kitchen.”

Grey giggles. She looks delighted. “I’m _very_ certain he’s not supposed to have that. I do enjoy the rule-breaking side of you, Leonard.”

Kimball gives him a look. Carolina can't quite figure out her expression. “Independent magical study,” she repeats slowly. “Probably a good idea.”

“I don’t know why witches use a toaster for mail,” Carolina says. “Why not use an actual mailbox? Less chance of burning your letters.” She remembers that she’s the only half-mortal in the room as everyone looks at her like she asked a weird question. Well, her dad looks vaguely in her direction, but everyone else stares at her, slightly puzzled, even Kimball, who’s usually more reasonable.

“You don’t get the pop with a mailbox,” Church says, his tone implying it’s obvious.

Grey makes a sound of agreement.

Carolina squints, trying to figure out if they’re being serious. “The...pop?”

“The pop!” Grey says.

Carolina’s dad clears his throat as Carolina gives up on getting an explanation that makes sense. “Toasters are far preferable to the old method, which was a stove. Now _those_ letters had a high frequency of burning. And a proper toaster seemed the easiest way to communicate with Richard.”

“Plus, it’s easy enough even a familiar can use it. Hey, maybe Grif and Salem can be penpals,” Church suggests with a grin.

“Ah, yes, the Spellmans,” their dad says. Carolina recognizes the look on his face. He’s going to bring up Carolina and Church’s apparent need to hang out with more teen witches. Sure enough, he asks, “Do you two have anything planned with Sabrina after the holiday?”

Carolina and Church exchange a look. Church shrugs. Clearly he doesn’t have plans to hang out with Sabrina.

“Sabrina and I talked about hanging out,” Carolina says. She doesn’t mention that Sabrina had promised no witch talk when they do. “I’ll ask her at school when she wants to do it.”

“Could you keep next Sunday free?” Kimball asks. When Carolina blinks at her, Kimball smiles. She glances towards Carolina’s dad and then explains, “A couple of my Quizmaster kids are home from college. I was hoping to have them over next weekend.”

“Oh yeah?” Church says, sounding interested. “They go to a mortal college or a witch one?”

“Andersmith goes to a university in the Other Realm, but the others attend mortal colleges.”

“Excellent,” Carolina’s dad says, looking pleased.

“What are witch universities like?” Carolina asks. She’s reminded again that everyone else is a full witch as the adults all blink, seemingly confused by the question.

It’s Kimball who says, “Well, there are some universal majors in both realms. Pre-med, pre-law, accounting, engineering, business, that sort of thing.”

“And then there are fun majors like Advanced Incantations,” Grey says cheerfully. “Oh, or Potions.” She giggles. “Though in my experience the Potions students tended to spend less time on their studies and more time making--”

Carolina’s dad coughs pointedly. “We’ll have to visit some witch universities next year, let you experience the campuses yourself.”

Carolina hasn’t thought much about this year past seeing her mom again, but her dad’s words are a reminder of her awkward conversation with Wash. She still doesn’t know what she wants to do after her birthday, much less what she wants to do about college. “Yeah,” she says. “Sounds interesting.”

She must fail to hide her lack of enthusiasm, because Church gives her a long look. Then he leans towards their dad and drawls, teasing, “Maybe I want to check out the witch campuses too, Leonard. Did you think of that?”

Their dad looks skeptical. “Do you?”

Church snorts. “Nah, not really. Dude, I don’t even know if I want to go to college.” He’s grinning a little as he says it, but blinks afterwards, a flicker of surprise darting across his face, like it's less of a joke than he intended.

Carolina tries not to think too much about Thanksgiving and how Church had been so certain he was going to die, but now she wonders if Church also hasn’t bothered to think about the future. She stretches out her foot and kicks him lightly in the ankle, smiling at him. They’ll figure it out.

Meanwhile, their dad straightens and stares blindly in Church’s direction, unable to hide his surprise. “You _what_?”

Church blinks again, but now he starts to grin. Carolina can see the exact second he decides to run with this to mess with their dad. His tone is all innocence as he says, “I’m just saying. I don’t know what I want to do. Why waste the money? Maybe I’ll go backpacking across Europe. Mortals do that all the time.”

Carolina laughs. “You’re going to hike?”

Their dad is still staring towards Church. “You have plenty of time to figure that out, but a college education--”

“Who said anything about hiking? I’ll hitchhike,” Church says, his grin at odds with his still innocent tone.

“That is the dumbest plan ever,” Carolina informs him, swallowing down another laugh.

“Or the greatest!”

Carolina pretends to consider this, and then shakes her head. “No, definitely the dumbest.”

“We will visit this discussion later,” their dad declares.

“Sure,” Church says. Now the amusement creeps into his voice. “Think about the coolest places for me to visit.”

Their dad sighs.

* * *

“Ten, nine, eight….”

Carolina shoots Church a victorious look as the countdown begins on the TV. Sure, she’d had to duck outside and shiver in twenty degrees one more time to keep herself awake, and sure, she’s going to probably crash about five minutes after midnight, but she’s going to make it.

The adults have champagne that Grey brought up from the basement. Grey lifts her flute aloft with a wide smile.

Carolina rubs at her heavy eyes and refocuses on the screen and the crowded Times Square, studying the ball that’s starting to fall. Well, it’s not so much dropping as it is slowly sliding down the pole.

She squints at it, waiting for something more, for the ball to drop faster, but everyone on TV cheers wildly when it lightly touches the ground at the stroke of midnight. “That’s it?” she asks, her question lost in the yells from the TV as people embrace and kiss.

Church nudges her with his shoulder, tapping his soda can against her water glass. “Happy New Year,” he says with a broad grin.

“You too,” Carolina says, smiling back despite her confusion. She glances at the screen. “So, uh, that’s all the ball does?”

“Yeah,” Church says. His grin widens. “Why?”

“It didn’t really drop. It just sort of--” She mimics the molasses-slow speed. “And didn’t break or explode--”

Church snickers. “You thought it was going to _explode_?”

Carolina feels her face warm. She fights against embarrassment and shrugs. “I mean, it would make more sense than everyone watching a ball inch to the ground! I thought it was going to be exciting!”

“Yeah, sorry,” Church says, still snickering. “No explosions or breaking.” He looks thoughtful. “Though that would be more fun.”

“I do like the idea of the ball shattering,” Grey agrees cheerfully. When Kimball gives her a look, she giggles and widens her eyes. “You have to admit it would add a little thrill!”

“New Year's Eve is one of the few witch holidays that doesn’t end in needless destruction,” Carolina’s dad says dryly. “Perhaps we can continue that tradition.”

Grey wrinkles her nose at him and says cheerfully, “Spoilsport.” Then she shoots up from her chair. “Now, who’s up for some fireworks?”

Kimball, looking amused, sets her champagne flute down and gestures.

A second later everyone, even Carolina’s dad, is wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves.

Church is swaddled so tightly with a scarf that all Carolina can see of his face are his glasses and his surprised green eyes. He yanks the scarf down a little to squint and mumble, “Overkill, Kimball.” Then he glances towards their dad. He coughs. “So. The loophole proximity deal. Think you can see the fireworks if Carolina’s in the backyard and you’re on the roof or something?”

Their dad blinks. He's silent for a moment, staring blindly in Church's direction. “Perhaps, but we can test that theory another time,” he says slowly.

“Oh,” Grey says. Her eyes light up. “I could include sound effects!”

Kimball looks torn between amusement and alarm.

“...Let me make sure that the spell to avoid mortal attention will hold first.”

* * *

Simmons sips slowly at his orange juice. A couple of pieces of toast and some aspirin have eased his hangover to something manageable, but his head still aches. He winces when someone sets off fireworks outside, a sudden series of pops and cheers. “It’s nine o’clock,” he mumbles. “Little late for fireworks.”

Grif pauses in licking the last of his scrambled eggs off his plate to give Simmons an amused look. “Gotta get their money’s worth.”

“I guess,” Simmons says. He still thinks it’s pretty pointless to set off fireworks when the sun is out. “Want to watch a movie once the aspirin kicks in?”

“Simmons,” Grif says, looking even more amused. “Are you starting off the new year being _lazy_?”

“I’m not being lazy,” Simmons protests. “I thought we could watch a movie, then I’ll read a few chapters of one of the books Doctor Church gave me and look over my lesson plan for next week.”

Grif snorts. “Okay, that makes more sense.”

Simmons resists the urge to glance over his shoulder and assure himself that the books Doctor Church lent him are still there. He’s lucky that Doctor Church is still willing to work with him after the...Incident.

“Hard to believe it’s a whole new year,” he says, almost to himself, but Grif’s ears twitch.

“Yeah. Won’t miss much of 1998.”

“Most of it was good,” Simmons protests. He counts stuff off on his fingers. “I got to learn magic, and Church’s spell is permanent so he’s not in danger anymore. Plus we helped save Massachusetts, and now Doctor Church is letting me do an independent study--”

“Just try not to jam his toaster with a million questions,” Grif advises.

Simmons blinks and glances at the toaster situated in the far corner of his kitchen, away from his actual toaster so that he doesn’t mix them up. “Is that a thing that actually happens? The toaster can jam?”

“Probably,” Grif says, which means he’s either messing with Simmons or he might be telling the truth.

“Great.”

Grif paws at a piece of toast Simmons has cut into smaller pieces. Talking with his mouth full, he suggests, “Here’s an idea for your New Year's Resolution: only one letter a day for your penpal.”

Simmons makes a face at him. “Funny.” He has a much better resolution than that in mind. But speaking of resolutions, now he’s curious. “What’s _your_ New Year’s Resolution?”

“More naps,” Grif says matter-of-factly.

Simmons laughs. “Seriously.”

“Seriously. The 24 hour nap can be done, Simmons. You just have to believe.”

“Uh huh,” Simmons says, shaking his head. “Good luck.”

“I don’t need luck, just laziness--”

There’s a loud sound. Grif’s fur bristles at the sudden noise.

It’s probably more fireworks, but it sounded more like thunder. Simmons frowns, confused. “It isn’t supposed to rain to--”

“ _DEX_!”

The voice is female and loud and very, very angry.

Simmons watches in surprise as Grif’s ears go flat against his head. His fur had startled to settle, but now it goes bristling to standing completely on end, doubling him in size. He tenses like he’s about to leap off the table. “Oh crap.” There’s a panicked urgency in his voice. “Simmons, you gotta hide me. Wait, no, kill me. That’ll be faster. Just don’t let her--”

He cuts himself off at the sound of stomping feet.

A tall woman in a party dress barrels into the kitchen.

Grif’s panic is infectious. Simmons’ first thought is that this is a new Council stooge who somehow got past Doctor Church’s wards. He jumps up, trying to move so that he blocks her view of Grif, but the woman looms over him even in bare feet. Her heels dangle from one fist.

When he stands, their gazes meet. One eye is brown, the other a shifting red and yellow color.

Something clicks in his alarmed brain a second before the woman growls, “Bro, you are so dead!”

“Bro?” Simmons repeats faintly, and turns to stare at Grif, only to find Grif halfway up the fridge.

The woman drops her heels and claps her hands. There’s an explosion of yellow sparkles.

Grif disappears and reappears a second later, dangling in the woman’s grip. She holds him up so that they’re face to face. She glares. “I leave for a couple years and you get _catified_? What the duck, Dex!”

Grif licks his nose. His tail thrashes, but he doesn’t try to squirm out of her grip. “Kai, listen--”

“Nope. I’m talking. So I come back to Earth for New Years because you can’t exactly celebrate it on another planet, that's ducking dumb. And this dude at the party hears my last name and goes ‘Oh, like that familiar who saved Massachusetts.’”

She gives him a little shake. “I didn't kiss anyone when the schisty ball dropped, Dex! I was too busy finding out my dumb donkey brother was a ducking familiar!”

Simmons stares at them. He remembers asking Grif about his family after the reunion, when Grif had found out pretty much all the worst things about Simmons’ family. When Grif kept deflecting, Simmons had just assumed Grif also had an awful family. But he has a sister. A sister who clearly cares about him being a familiar. He should keep quiet and let them have a private talk. The question slips out anyway.

“You have a sister?”

Both Grif and his sister turn their heads to look at him. Grif’s wearing a ‘help me’ expression, but Kai’s eyes narrow.

“So you’re the stooge guarding Dex.”

Simmons has wondered what Grif looks like as a human. He didn’t expect anything like Grif’s sister, who’s broad-shouldered and tall and looks like she could snap him like a twig bare-handed without using magic.

And she looks ready to do that, or turn him into a frog, her one eye completely red now as she snarls, “I’ve heard stuff about the way you stooge treat familiars. If you’ve been feeding him ducking cat food or seriously messing with him, I’m gonna--”

“Uh,” Simmons says. Even if he’s a little mad that Grif kept his sister a secret, he still shoots Grif a panicked look.

“He’s not a stooge,” Grif says quickly. “We eat normal food. If you’re hungry, we could have some breakfast.” He waves a paw towards the table.

It’s probably meant to be a distraction, and Kai looks slightly less furious, but Simmons still shakes his head, incredulous. “You expect me to cook more breakfast? When you hid a sister?”

Kai snorts. “I don’t know why he ducking cares about that, but I’m mad that you didn’t tell me you were a cat, Dex!” She pauses. “Though I haven’t had breakfast. I was too busy trying to figure out how to ducking find you.” She sets Grif down and then claps her hands again.

A platter of bacon and eggs appears on the table. Right. She’s a witch too. They can just conjure food out of thin air. Simmons still has questions about that.

The question that comes out of his mouth, though, is similar to the first. “Why didn’t you mention your sister? She could’ve come over for Halloween!”

“Uh,” Grif says, licking his nose. His tail twitches.

“Yeah, Dex! I left you messages and schist! Don’t think this means you get missed birthday presents. They’re forfeit.”

Now that Kai looks less likely to turn him into a frog, Simmons hazards a question in her direction. “When _is_ Grif’s birthday? He won’t tell me.”

Kai stares at him. “Then why were you talking about Halloween?”

Simmons stares back, confused by her confusion. “...Because it’s a family holiday for witches?”

“Uh, yeah, and Dex’s birthday.”

“His _what_?” Simmons yelps. He turns towards Grif, only to realize Grif has taken advantage of their conversation to make a run for it. He’s almost at the door, bacon sticking out of his mouth. “Grif!”

“Blabbermouth,” Grif says, then hisses in surprise as Kai claps her hands and he reappears back on the table.

“She’s not a blabbermouth, Grif,” Simmons says, rolling his eyes. “Normal people tell each other their birthdays!”

“And yet you never told me yours,” Grif says. “Glass houses, buddy.”

Simmons glares at him, and Grif goes back to crouching on the table and looking like he wishes he could escape the conversation. All this time he’s been trying to make Halloween a nice witch celebration for Grif and it’s been his birthday? If Simmons had known, he could’ve done a lot more.

“Why does the Council stooge care about your birthday, Dex?”

“He doesn’t work for the Council. He’s, uh." Grif pauses, glancing over at Simmons, who just keeps glaring. "Uh. Mortal.”

Kai snorts. “Don’t try to distract me with a weird joke, Dex. I’m ducking mad!”

Simmons is still mad that Grif kept his birthday a secret, but now he's distracted. “...Did you just say ducking?” 

“Aw, crap,” Grif mutters under his breath.

Kai squints at Simmons, and then blinks. “Oh, right. I always ducking forget. Yeah, Bro put a censorship curse on me like twenty years ago and then ‘forgot’ how to remove it. So I sound like some mortal kids cartoon.”

“Uh. I don’t know how to react to that,” Simmons says weakly.

Kai shrugs. “I know I’m cursing in my heart, so whatever. Not the dumbest thing Bro had done.” She turns back to Grif and says, “What the duck, Dex. What the mother-loving duck. Why didn’t you tell me you got catified?”

Grif’s tail twitches. “Yeah, that would’ve gone great. You probably would’ve punched Drell or something and gotten yourself catified along with me.”

Simmons tries not to ask, he really does, but the words, “Is catified an official term or--” slips out before he clamps his mouth shut. Thankfully neither Grif nor his sister seem to notice, Kai too busy staring at Grif like she’s trying to read his mind, a frown scrunching up her face.

“Probably would’ve, but still,” she says after a moment. “You should’ve told me. You’re still in trouble. Prepare yourself for so many ducking outfits.”

“Wait, what?”

Kai claps her hands. Yellow sparkles surround Grif. When they dissipate, Grif is wearing a miniature sailor’s outfit, hat and all. She claps her hands again, and snags a camera to take a picture of him. “So many outfits,” she says, sounding satisfied.

“Ugh,” Grif says.

“Can I get a copy of that?” Simmons asks.

“Simmons,” Grif whines.

Simmons ignores the complaint. People who don’t tell their friends about having sisters and birthdays definitely deserve to have multiple photos of ridiculous outfits floating around. Maybe he’ll show the photo off to Donut. Donut dresses Whiskers up all the time.

Why didn’t Grif tell him about her? Sure, she’s definitely scary, but she also seems to care, which is more than Simmons can say for his brothers.

He stares at Grif. “Is she your only sister? Do you have a bunch?” He realizes what a ridiculous question that is as soon as he asks it. “Witches live so long, you guys probably have huge families-- No, wait, that’s not what I want to ask. Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“Cause you’d want me to tell her and this would happen,” Grif says flatly. He tries to paw off the hat, but it won’t budge.

Meanwhile, Kai snaps another photo. “Oh, it’s just Bro and me, he pretty much--”

Grif pauses with his paw in mid-air. “Snitch.”

“Hey!” Kai says and claps her hands again.

There’s another shower of yellow sparks.

Simmons laughs at the sight of Grif in a red clown costume, with a red nose and a rainbow wig. As he laughs, he realizes exactly how much magic Kai has been using. Some of his frustration with Grif keeping secrets gives way to excitement. He points at Grif. “Since Grif kept his birthday a secret from me, let his next outfit a pumpkin be.” He feels the magic gathering around him, the faint tension in the air that releases as maroon magic swirls and changes Grif’s outfit into a pumpkin costume.

Kai grins and takes another picture.

“Ha ha,” Grif says. There’s not a trace of humor in his voice. “Are we done now?”

Kai lowers the camera and gives him a disbelieving look. “After just three outfits? No ducking way. You have two years of keeping stupid secrets to make up for, Dex!”

Grif sighs.

The next few minutes are a parade of costumes. Between them, Kai and Simmons put Grif into all kinds of outfits: firefighter, businessman, knight, and others. It’s a heady rush, getting to do this much magic in his own apartment, even if Kai starts giving him weird looks after the third time he has to do an incantation.

It’s only when Kai sets her camera down and says, “Okay, breakfast,” that Simmons realizes how much magic he’s been doing. It’s nothing like the spell he did to save Church or fight against Felix and Locus, but he still gets hit with a wave of dizziness.

“Right. Breakfast.” he says. 

Kai sits down and immediately starts to eat bacon, leaving an annoyed Grif dressed in a pirate costume.

Simmons takes a piece of bacon for himself. He tries not to stare at Kai too obviously while he nibbles on it, but he’s definitely staring. He studies her broad shoulders, her towering height, her long wavy black hair that she’s left in a couple loose braids, her warm brown skin. He studies it all and tries to imagine a male version of her. Minus the glitter and bright yellow lipstick, of course.

As he watches, her one eye slowly shifts colors again, settling on a more yellowish-blue shade.

“Uh,” Simmons says. They’d had fun together dressing Grif up in different costumes, but he remembers how she’d glared at him and called him a stooge. He’s not sure if he should ask any more questions or just keep quiet. He crumbles another piece of bacon between his fingers. “What’s going on with your--” He gestures towards her face.

Kai blinks. For a second she looks confused. Then she scowls. “Why are you asking? Doesn't the Council have everyone's family quirks written down in some file somewhere?”

“Everyone’s what?” Simmons glances at Grif, hoping for clarification, but Grif avoids his eyes.

Kai, meanwhile, folds her arms. Mulishness darkens her expression. “I’m not telling you jack schist about our family quirk so you can write it down, stooge!”

Simmons blinks at the venom in her voice. He leans back instinctively in his chair, even if he couldn’t really stop her if she did decide to turn him into a frog or something. “I’m not a stooge!” he protests. “I don’t work for the Council.”

When Kai snorts, he adds, “I don’t. I think they’re a bunch of idiots.”

Kai looks suspicious. His last words must ring true, though, because she gives him a long, searching stare. “What’d you do to be Dex’s guardian? Get on Drell’s bad side?” Her mismatched eyes flick up and down. “Let me guess. You’re an accountant dumb enough to tell Drell to pay his ducking taxes.”

“No,” Simmons says, confused. “I’m a high school science teacher.”

"So you tried to teach Drell science?"

"...No?"

Kai shakes her head. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to pull, so tell me straight and stop with the bull,” she says, the incantation accompanied by a clap of her hands and a spark of yellow. She leans closer and says, “Spill.”

Simmons is even more confused than before. “Spill what? That I found Grif in the school parking lot after his first guardian got himself blown up? That I’m a mortal but I’ve been learning magic, and Grif and I are keeping each other’s secrets? That I hate the Council and think it’s stupid Grif hasn’t gotten time served or something on his sentence when he saved thousand of lives--”

It’s only as he starts talking about Grif’s sentence that Simmons realizes something’s up. He clamps his mouth shut as Grif puts a paw over his face and sighs.

“And, uh. Yeah,” Simmons concludes weakly.

Kai stares at him. Then, unexpectedly, she grins. “Oh,” she says, drawing out the sound. “You're _crazy_! I can roll with that. One time I hooked up with this guy who was convinced his fillings were getting messages from secret Martians. Like, what, were the not secret Martians not enough for him?”

“I’m not crazy!” Simmons protests, but she keeps grinning. Then what she says actually registers. “Wait, what?”

“Don’t ask,” Grif mumbles. He’s still got his paw over his face. His pirate hat is askew.

“Grif, tell her I’m not crazy.” Simmons hears the whine in his voice too late.

Grif looks over at that. “Nah.”

“Grif!”

Grif just gives him a pointed look and an even more pointed swipe at the pirate hat. Apparently he’s still sulking over the magical fashion show.

Before Simmons can figure out a way to convince her that he’s sane, Kai turns towards Grif. He stares back warily, and then blinks when she asks, “So, how hot was that Locus guy?”

Grif and Simmons exchange a look and reach a silent agreement to keep the fact that Locus lives upstairs from her as long as possible. Then Grif looks away and twitches his tail. “You have the worst taste in guys.”

“Answer the question, Dex!”

“No,” Grif says. “And why do you care? You’re not allowed to date any more murderers!”

“Uh, what?” Simmons says.

Kai rolls her eyes. “That was like 30 years ago, Dex! Let it go! And I've probably dated other murderers! It's not like I ducking ask them on first dates if they've killed someone!”

“Maybe you should! You date weirdos!”

The conversation dissolves into heated bickering.

Simmons just sits back and watches. It’s really starting to sink in that this is Grif’s sister. And probably the same person Grif used to spend Halloween with, watching movies and eating food and celebrating Grif’s birthday.

Kai claps her hands and banishes the pirate costume. “So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?”

Simmons hesitates. On the one hand, the polite thing would be to excuse himself and let Grif and Kai catch up privately. On the other hand, he’s almost choking on curiosity. He’s found out more about Grif in the last half-hour than he’s found out in the last year and a half.

“We were gonna watch a movie,” Grif says, saving him from a decision.

Kai grins. “Cool.” She claps her hands again. This time it’s her outfit that changes. She goes from wearing a party dress to a tank top and leggings. There’s suddenly a lot more skin and an up close view of muscular arms and long legs as she stands up and stretches. “Already pick the movie or what?”

Simmons can feel his face heat up, and he focuses on Grif as Grif says sarcastically, “Make yourself at home.”

Kai keeps grinning. “Thanks. I will.”

“I was being sarcastic!” Grif complains with an irritated twitch of his tail.

“No take-backs,” Kai says. “So, got a guest bedroom or do I need to make one?”

That gets Simmons to actually look at her again, just in time to watch her raise her hands again to clap. “Uh, wait, what--”

Kai’s clapped hands are accompanied by a rumbling beneath Simmons’ chair. She smiles, satisfied.

Simmons jumps out of his chair and bolts. Sure enough, there’s now a new door that opens up to a bedroom that didn’t exist five minutes ago. He stares, dismayed. It looks like something out of Arabian Nights, but yellows and blues and purples. “My security deposit!”

Just as quickly as the dismay comes, curiosity distracts him. By the time he gets back to Kai and Grif, Kai has made herself comfortable on the couch. Grif is perched on the back of it and eyeing her warily.

Simmons licks his lips. “So, uh, what kind of spell was that? I guess a passion spell since you didn’t have to say anything, but the spellbook never properly explained why some spells require material to work and others just be done with a thought--”

“Dude,” Grif says, sounding slightly amused. “She doesn’t know any more about magic than I do. Ask Doctor Church.”

“Doctor Church?” Kai repeats. Her eyes widen. “Oh, his doctor because he’s--” She gestures towards her head. “--totally crazy!”

“I’m not crazy!” Simmons yelps. Then he realizes what Kai adding another bedroom to his apartment implies. “Wait, uh, not that it’s, uh, not nice for Grif to see his sister again, but...how long are you planning on staying?”

Kai shrugs. “Figured I’d crash here a while.”

“A while.” Simmons glances at Grif, who’s staring at his sister with a look he can’t quite read. “Uh. What does that mean in witch time?”

“Eh, not that long? Couple months, I think,” Kai says.

“Grif!” Simmons hisses under his breath. “She’s not on the lease.”

“Yeah, well, neither am I,” Grif says.

“Because my landlord thinks you’re a cat!”

Grif just looks at him.

Simmons sighs. On the one hand, Grif’s sister is kind of scary and definitely thinks he’s insane and lying about being mortal. On the other hand, Grif’s probably missed her, and it’s a chance to find out more about Grif. Simmons has so many questions to ask. Plus, she does so much magic. He wonders how much effluvium is floating around from creating the bedroom.

He points a finger and says, “We’re about to watch a show, so here’s some popcorn Grif’ll eat with gusto.” Again he feels that satisfied thrill as the air thickens around him. He feels the spell click a second before a bowl of popcorn appears on the coffee table.

"Nice," Grif says, jumping off the back of the couch and immediately scooping out a couple kernels.

Kai is sprawled out on the couch, feet up on the table.

Simmons decides to sit in a chair instead. He really didn't think 1999 was going to start with him gaining another roommate, even a temporary one, and trying to figure out how to avoid his landlord. It's a weird start to the year.

Kai glances over at him and grins. “So, crazy guy. What are we watching?”

Simmons bristles. “I’m not crazy,” he reminds her, but she just grins wider. “And my name is Simmons.”

“Oh, right,” Grif says, talking with his mouth full. He swallows and adds, “Kai, meet Simmons. Simmons, Kaikaina.”

“Kaikaina,” Simmons repeats, trying to make sure he pronounces it correctly. 

“Yep,” she says cheerfully. She grabs a fistful of popcorn. “So, Roman Holiday? Moby Dick? Spellbound? Twelve O’Clock High?”

Simmons blinks at the suggestions. He recognizes a few of the titles, but it’s a weird mix of romantic comedies, suspense, and westerns. “Uh, why those?”

“Bro loves Gregory Peck,” Kai says, like it’s obvious. “Speaking of crazy dudes, Peck was _hot_ as Ahab.”

“I don’t love him,” Grif grumbles. His ears flick back and forth. “I watched a couple of his movies and now she thinks I’m obsessed.”

Simmons figures Grif’s supposed thing about Gregory Peck is about as real as his own insanity, but he can tell Grif’s exasperated. Good. One more way to needle him for keeping his sister a secret. He fakes an apologetic look. “Well, I don’t have any of those movies, sorry, Grif. I’ll grab some next time I go to Blockbuster.”

“Gee, thanks,” Grif says sarcastically. His tail twitches. “We’ve been watching old sci-fi.”

“With hot aliens? Sounds good,” Kai says with a shrug. Then she glances towards Simmons. “Got any beer?”

“It’s ten o’clock,” Simmons points out.

Kai stares at him. “Yeah?”

“There’s some beer in the fridge,” Grif says.

“Cool!”

Simmons watches her go and then takes the opportunity to lean towards the couch. “So,” he says, aiming for a conversational tone even while he feels a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. “How much information do you think I can get out of her before she leaves? I mean, I already learned your _birthday_. What else is she gonna spill?”

Grif groans. “Kaikaina lives in her own little world. You can’t trust anything she says!”

Simmons raises an eyebrow. “So your birthday isn’t Halloween?”

Grif blinks.

“That’s what I thought,” Simmons says, grinning.

Grif groans again. “Come on. Gimme a break.”

“This is all your fault for keeping secrets,” Simmons reminds him, still grinning.

“Hey, you’ve never told me your birthday either! Fair’s fair.”

Simmons hesitates.

Grif must sense weakness, because his ears go up and his mismatched eyes fix on Simmons’ face. “Simmons. Spill. It can’t be more embarrassing than mine.”

“It’s not embarrassing, it’s just.” Simmons sighs. He guesses it would be fair. He rubs at the back of his neck and says, “It’s, uh. On Valentine’s Day.”

Grif stares at him. Then he snorts. “Yeah, okay. Yours is worse.”

“What? No it’s not!” Simmons protests. “I mean, you can’t go out to restaurants because it’s always romantic couples stuff going on, but--” Grif is giving him a wide feline smile. Simmons narrows his eyes. “But I bet a witch being born on Halloween is like a kid being born on Christmas.”

“Uh huh. And how many people just gave you chocolate for your birthday?”

“Shut up. Yours is definitely worse.”

“Please. I’d _love_ chocolate for my birthday.”

Simmons rolls his eyes. “I’ll keep that in mind for next Halloween,” he says dryly. Then he hesitates. Now that Grif’s sister knows he’s a familiar, there’s no reason for him not to go back to regular holidays. “Unless you just want to spend it with your sister. I know it’s a family thing.”

“Nah,” Grif says after a second of silence. “We just eat and watch movies. The more, the merrier.” He pauses again. “Except for Locus, because Kai can’t find out he lives upstairs.”

Simmons tries to imagine Kai meeting Locus. It would be a disaster. And Simmons definitely owes Locus after his bout of witch flu. “Agreed.”

Kai comes back in, three beers in her hands. “So, what’re we watching?”

Simmons and Grif stare at each other. “Uh….”

Kai snorts and throws herself back onto the couch, making Grif bounce a little and glare. “Okay, dorks. You snooze, you lose. I’ll choose something.”

Simmons studies her grin.

Yeah. It’s going to be a very interesting few months.

**Author's Note:**

> **Honorable Mention**
> 
> 4x02 - Witchy Friends
> 
> Kimball’s plans finally come to fruition and Carolina and Church get to meet some teen witches besides Sabrina! Palomo, Jensen, Bitters, Matthews, and Andersmith are all great characters, especially with Andersmith as a sweetheart who’s never visited the Mortal Realm before but who’s fascinated by mortals. It's good to see Carolina and Church interacting with other witches around their age and learning a little bit of witch politics. 
> 
> Honestly, the only reason this is an honorable mention and not part of the Best Of list is that the series ended up focusing on Carolina and Church's mortal friendships, with a few of the Witchy Friends cast showing up for fun cameos throughout the rest of the show.


End file.
